The Post Where I Learn My Subtlety Was... Too Subtle?

I let some news slip in my last blogpost, but I was told by a few people I was so subtle they missed it.


Ditto my tweeting it once.


So... I bolded the news. Check it out :)


Because, yup, I still love subtle.

Oh, December

So, December was... insanely busy. Correction: November and December were incredibly busy.


I guess anyone who ever worked in Corporate America knows the feeling*--the yearly complaint that work ruined any chance to enjoy: Advent, preparing for Christmas, or even the decorations, and forget about shopping (I get it done in early November to avoid crying in line the last few days before Christmas.) I still have my cards and some decorations up because I want to enjoy them, darnit! January is my Advent do-over.


My focus for most of that time revolved around work, travelling for work, and some other stressful things that happened to come up in the meantime. I usually ate lunch and dinner at my job. Sometimes breakfast. By the time I hit my vacation time, I was ready to forget the day job for two weeks.


There was a point sometime in early December when I had a mini breakdown and even yelled "I give up!" with my forehead pressed against the steering wheel in the parking lot of what I lovingly call "apartment hell."** It might have been right after a really stressful morning drive. Or maybe the nutty apartment complex lady had just passed and peered into my car. Twice. (She's a little creepy that way.)


Having a call with my agent, Carrie Howland of Donadio and Olson, right outside a work cadaver lab (I have a weird job) might have balanced things out that month the tiniest bit, though.


Anyway, the first third of December was insanely busy. I have to admit, the last third was fun, except it was so hard to keep some exciting news secret. And now I'm back at the day job, recharged, and ready to, well, you can read the note I wrote to myself this morning:

(Deena made this mug! It’s a chalkboard!)


How is 2014 treating all of you?


*unless you work in finance in a company whose fiscal year doesn't end in December. And, yes, I somehow know way too many people who have odd-time-of-year staying late and ordering pizza to the office stories.


**It's not awful, just populated with the strangest cast of characters ever. And 2 hours from my beloved Pine Barrens. You tell me a place isn't weird when the old guy across the way pops out to talk to you wearing just his boxers. Or when the other old guy upstairs yells at you for closing your door too loudly. Or when one of the upstairs neighbors keeps shoving stuff down the drain so that my bathroom floods (this happened three times.) Or when your tub fills with sewage during a storm (also three times.) Oh, apartment hell.

2013 No-Kiss Blogfest!

*slides into the blogosphere* Safe! (aka, actually made it!)

This year, I thought I'd post one of the versions of a scene from Summer Story (aka Evenfall, aka the WIP that scares me and that I occasionally write when I need to torture myself)--the other one just has a little hand-holding compared to this one's almost-kissing, but both have the same start and result. Summer Story is about a lot more than just a relationship, but I do think this passage kind-of captures Teri and Justin's relationship (and he's such a cutie. Picture Nicholas Hoult from X-Men: First Class, glasses and all.)

I think I'm starting to get a little less scared of kissy scenes. Maybe. Now Summer Story? Still scares the heck out of me.

*********

Justin took my hand and pulled me away from Hailey and the rest of her friends just as the fireworks started lighting up the sky.

I’d gone mute, too weak to pull away and insist that we stay where we were. Safe from anything he could say or I could do. But the feeling of his fingers curled in mine was like witchcraft, turning me into a shadow and I couldn’t help but follow.

He settled us right on the edge of the water, propped on a large rock jutting downwards at a sharp angle that made climbing down to it a little scary. But once we were there, it was like we were removed from the crowds on the lakeside, cocooned in our own rock sofa. Fireworks burst above. Their shapes reflected in the lake and, for that moment, it was like we were surrounded by light.

This place was dangerous in more ways than one.

I finally found my voice as the cold and damp of the rock seeped through my jeans and into my legs and I untangled my fingers from Justin’s. “Maybe we should go back to Hailey and Ava.”

He ran an agitated hand through his hair. “I need a break from Ava. Velcro doesn’t have anything on that girl.”

I couldn’t help the little smile that tickled the edge of my lips. “I think it’s because she really likes you.”

“Yeah, but I’m not into her.”

I let my toes dangle over the water, my flip-flop dangerously close to falling off and floating away. I kept my eyes trained on the edge of my shoes. “Poor Ava.”

“Poor me. She’s nice, but…” He trailed off, then waited for the whistle and boom of a few rockets exploding overhead to die off before saying, “Anyway, you never told me why wanting to make jewelry was a deep, dark secret. Did you make knuckle rings for a gang or something? Spy earrings with listening devices?”

“Not really.” I couldn’t help but snort at his guesses. “I don’t know.” My fingers scrambled in the dark for a rock to toss into the water as I forced myself to look nonchalant. I was keeping a big, huge chunk of who I now was a secret and maybe that was written all over my face. “Some people think it’s weird, I guess, to make a job out of something like that. Everyone else wants to be engineers or doctors or social workers. But, anyway,” I finally found the rock and tossed it so the water reflected wavy circles of fireworks, “I’m not doing that anymore.”

“No, I know what you mean. I really want to spend the rest of my life working as a wood-carver, like Mark Lindquist. His sculptures are incredible. Or even just making furniture. Not just chairs and stuff, but the kind of things you see in museums or as art pieces.” His face lit up brighter than the fireworks and he gestured widely with his hands. It was impossible not to smile at his enthusiasm. “It’s an amazing feeling, just looking at a piece of wood and seeing the possibilities in the grain. And then, when I get to peel away all the layers to shape it into something, it’s like like alchemy. Taking a shapeless thing and turning it into something golden.” He looked over at me, his smile turning sheepish. “I know that probably sounds weird.”

            “It doesn't.” I shook my head and allowed my smile to grow wider. “I get the same feeling when I’m working with wire. Or on a lost wax casting. It really is magic.” I whispered the last sentence.

Nodding, Justin tilted back again to watch as sparkles of blue and gold fell, rain-like, above us. He spoke to the fireworks, but his next words were aimed at me. “You know, you’re the first person I’ve really felt comfortable around right from the start.”

My heart clenched and, for a second, fear chilled my entire being. My heart and lungs felt just like they did when the first symptoms of the disease took over, slowly choking me. I forced a breath and it was like breathing dust through cheesecloth. “If you call insulting me ‘getting along.’”

“I didn’t insult you.” The agitation soaked from his fingers to his voice. “I’m trying to say I like you, Teri.”

There it was. The one thing I was trying to avoid and Justin put it out there, anyway. I tried to crush the wonder-filled hope that wrapped around me like an electric coil. I froze, an After-me statue tilting on a dangerous ledge. The day washed over me, the easy laughter and firework moments when our fingers would brush each other’s and, just for a second, I indulged in a daydream I couldn’t afford. There was a potential and chemistry between us like I’d never felt in my life that Before-Me would have jumped to explore. Justin pressed his hand on top of mine, fingers curling between my fingers and leaned in close enough that I could make out how the faint tortoiseshell pattern on his glasses frame matched the dark rim around his eyes. “Really like you.” His gaze held mine, serious and nervous and adorable all at once.

Justin’s breath, minty from his gum, played over my lips. I closed my eyes, imagining what it would be like if I just listened to Before-Me and closed the distance between us. His other hand smoothed back my hair and I lost myself for a second in the energy that trailed his feather-light touch as he traced my cheek and neck. I inched the tiniest bit closer, almost brushing his lips before a memory washed over me, the voice as clear as if the speaker was standing right behind me. A tight, baby-powder scented hug and someone saying, “You’ve had such a blessing. You can’t throw your life away on a mundane little life, Kateri, You’re meant for greater things. Remember that.”

The memory shook me out of my downward spiral. Before he could get any closer or the hormonal part of me could change my mind, I slid my hand away and dropped my chin, trying to make my voice steady. “And I really like you, too. As a friend.” Booms from the fireworks tore my soul to shreds and, without his warmth, my skin felt colder than the top of the CN tower in February.

“Oh.” Justin sat back and a personal space forcefield wrapped around him, closing him off the tiniest bit. “You have a boyfriend.”

“No.” I played with the edge of my shirt. “It’s just not a good time for relationships right now.”

“I thought...” He trailed off, cleared his throat, and tried again. “I just want to let you know I’m not like those guys who just gets together with girls for the summer because they’ll be going away in September.” There was a lull in the fireworks, but it wasn’t so dark I couldn’t see an odd sort of embarrassed sincerity on his features.

Now I was making him feel bad. The same embarrassment crawled into my Oz-sized tornado of emotions. “I didn’t mean that,” I said and wished real quicksand would come and swallow me. “I just…” I flailed, ignoring the final salvo of fireworks. “I just need friends this summer.” Before he could start feeling any worse, I tapped his foot with mine, not meeting his eyes. “Can you help with that?”

“Yeah.” He paused, then took a deep breath and said in a stronger voice. “Sure. I hope it doesn’t make things weird between us.” He leaned forward and twisted until his face was in my vision. “I wasn’t kidding about how much I like hanging out with you. Even if you are woefully misguided about decent hockey teams.”

The incredibly sad rush of a what-if passed over me and I forced a laugh, reaching out to shove him, but not hard enough to knock him off the rock. “C’mon. Let’s get back to Hailey and Ava before we fuel the town rumor mill.”

************

 

I can't wait to hop around to all your blogs and see all your no-kissy goodness (linked here!)

2013 in Bookish Awesomeness

In my 2012 wrap-up post, I wrote this about 2013: "This is going to be an awesome year. I just know it."

And I was right. OMG, was I right. Note that 13 is my favorite number (usually not by choice- it was my locker number because I was alphabetically number 13, and it just kept following me from there.)

There are still some 2013 things in the works that won't be out until 2014 (like new baby niece, who is happily growing away in my sister) and some writing things, but let's talk about the awesomeness that was 2013 that has already happened:

February

The SCBWI Winter Conference in NYC.

• Where I finally met Jaime Morrow in person, and she's as sweet as she is online *tackle hugs Jaime*
• Where I skipped out part of the way through on Saturday to go to a booksigning where I yarnily fangirled Jodi Meadows.
• Where I met Julie Andrews and Emma Watson, which was awesome because, well, Julie Andrews!! (can I blame her for almost becoming a nun when I was a teen?)

Me and Margot from Epic Reads (ugh, my hair. February in NYC, you hate me)



Me and Jodi. And knit Anna, Sam, and the dragon

April

The SCBWI EPA Poconos Conference*

*So, uh... I forgot my phone (like, totally forgot it) and didn't bring a camera, so you'll have to trust me that this in the most gorgeous conference location you'll ever visit.**

**On a realistic note, remember that I love camp and we got to stay in cabins and went on a nature hike and OMG, it is so pretty.

• Where I roomed with Deena in the cutest cabin on the planet
• Where I got to hang out with the wonderful Kit Grindstaff again- And stalk her until she signed a copy of The Flame in the Mist for me.
• Where I made so many new writerly friends: Blair Thornburgh (who was in my peer critique group and I fell in love with her manuscript so much from only a few words,) Kim Briggs (who was in my workshop group and made me fall for her manuscript, too,) and Alison Myers (who sat in on some of our workshop sessions-- reading aloud the best abs scene ever, and led our hike, which was good, because I likely would have fallen off one of the cliffs if I went on my own,) and saw so many friends from last year. And, thankfully, Kim made sure those of us on twitter knew each others' handles!
• Nature hike! 24/7 access to ice cream! The fooooooood...
• An awesome workshop with author Kathy Erskine.

June

Book Expo America Power Reader Day (someday, I'll go on a non-power reader day. Someday...)

• Where the publishing industry opened its conference doors on its last day to (some) of the public
• Where I was smart enough (this year) to bring my Zuca skating bag so I wouldn't have to actually *carry* all the books.
• Where I got to see Traci again *tackle hugs Traci* because she came to visit me while I was on line-- because she's awesome.
• Where I rushed straight to the SFWA booth to see when Jeri Smith-Ready, author of the Shade series, was going to talk. And later, made sure I was at her talk! And, while there, I ran into the awesome Frankie Diane Mallis!
• And then I hurried straight to Harlequin to get in line for some of their HarlequinTeen titles!
• Where I met Karen Rock because I was kind-of, sort-of hanging all over the Spencer Hill Press booth because of Camp Boyfriend...and overheard her saying she was one of the authors. So, I kind-of, sort-of fangirl tackled her. (I'd like to pretend I was all polished and stuff, but, nope. It was more along the lines of "OMG, I can't WAIT for you book! Camp, camp, camp, lalala, babble, babble, babble" (I am so proud of my incoherent fangirl babbling. Really.)
• Where I stood on a looooooooong line to meet Cora Carmack, who is an absolute sweetie.
• Where I met the his highness, King Snarkles, and team Epic Reads, and won a Book Shimmy t-shirt!
• And then I came home and collapsed into a pile of frozen custard-eating goo.

Pic with Traci on line at BEA!

Jeri!!!

August

Write-on Con. Which happened right before my birthday. And had some great online live pitch sessions where I learned a LOT about honing my pitch and what works.

Guys, that conference is free. And awesome.

September

I made it into Pitch Madness (hosted by Brenda Drake) on team Fizzee, (Summer Heacock and Dee Romito. I met the most amazing people, had a roller-coaster of a day when the bids went up on Bookishly, and, well... maybe more news might come from that. Who knows, right?

November

Eastern PA SCBWI Fall Fest (Saturday Only)

• Where I saw Kim and Blair again, and had a great 1-day conference (couldn't stay for the second day) in Malvern, PA

A really blurry pic of Blair mid-first pages

NJ Fall Craft Conference (Saturday only)

• Where I was totally speechless the second I walked into the Princeton Theological Seminary
• It helps that I was late because I got lost. Pro Tip: Don't be late if you're wearing a red jacket. It makes you impossible to miss, especially if the only door into the conference room is behind the speakers.
• Where I did my usual fangirl tackle thing to Lizzie Foley, who wrote Remarkable (FYI, if you've never read Remarkable, you MUST, if just for her amazing voice alone.) I missed most of a workshop to speak with her (and for a bit, Jennifer Laughran, too) but I got some great advice. And she's a fencing mom! Wooo!
• Where I took so many notes during Sean McCarthy's workshop that my hand hurt. But it was just an awesome talk!
• Where I went home exhausted, but so writer-happy.

Sunset as I headed off to find coffee before dinner

(also, I don't have specific months for this, but I had great news from 2 of my amazing CPs: Veronica Bartles not only had a book offer for her YA, but also an agent for her MG, and Stephanie Pajonas published the first two books in her Nogiku series! Yay for awesome news!)

This has been an awesome year. My favorite part of being a writer is meeting so many wonderful, supportive people in this community. My life is fuller and happier because of all of you and my bank account is emptier because of all your books/recommendations.

My wish for all of you: endless amounts of joy and success in 2014 and beyond. May the words flow effortlessly from your fingers and may your coffee (or herbal tea or hot cocoa) mug be bottomless.

Sustaining and Enhancing

Saw this on Tumblr, but since my Tumblr is travel-focused, I thought I'd post it here. With attribution linked below, of course:
 

via Movie Club.

 

Hmmm... this is why I do both engineering and writing. It's nice to think that someday, maybe, someone's friend or sibling or parent or grandparent will be mid-surgery with an implant or instruments I worked on and they'll be waiting for the results while reading one of my books. Or that someone post-surgery will be recovering and taking their mind off their pain/discomfort by reading something I wrote.

 

That's a pretty incredible wish, no?

No Kiss Blogfest Announcement

The most wonderful time of the year is rolling around again:

The 5th Annual No Kiss Blogfest, hosted by Frankie Diane Mallis and Amalia Dillin.

Click on the link above for the signups and rules.

For my previous blogfest posts, go here for 2012 and here for 2013.

Why should you join this blogfest?

1. Because almost-kisses are the best ever
2. I like to use this as a great writing prompt to play with my characters and practice kissy scenes. Well, almost kissy scenes
3. Because you meet some great bloggers and writers along the way!

I hope to see all of you posting on the 2nd!

I Hope...

Today's post is really short, but I'm reposting a favorite quote (you might recognize it) and my wish for every one of you:

 

"I hope you come to find that which gives life a deep meaning for you. Something worth living for-- maybe even worth dying for-- Something that energizes you, enthuses you, enables you to keep moving ahead.

I can't tell you what it might be-- that's for you to find, to choose, to love. I can just encourage you to start looking, and support you in the search."

--written by Sister Ita Ford to her niece shortly before she was martyred in El Salvador, Dec 2, 1980.

Light

I love Yule. I love light festivals. I love how we celebrate light in the midst of darkness. From Diwali to Hanukkah to Yule and Christmas, I love how we're so different yet so alike at the same time. I love how pretty the world becomes these times of the year. (And for my southern hemisphere friends, have a wonderful Midsummer!)

Another year and a repeat quote from my paper journal December 21st, 2001 entry:

"Tonight is Yule-- the longest night of the year.

Tonight reminds us that even the darkest of nights are followed by light, and that even in the worst of times, we have hope. No night is so dark that day will never follow.

...so long as we have hope, it will never truly be dark."

You might not know it, but many of you have been my light in the past, either through your posts, books, comments, texts, or just by being you.

You are all incredible.

On this solstice, I wish you all lives full of light and hope, as bright as the brightest stars in the sky.

Oooh, look! My pretty lantern and a mirror picture at the same time. Wheee!

A Skating Post

Last week, one of the other adult skaters at our rink jumped by herself for the first time, as we all clapped and cheered her on (this, ladies and gents, is why I love being an adult skater. The support and community are incredible.) Three weeks ago, she said she'd never jump because the thought scared her, so after her circle of waltz jumps, I asked her how she felt. Her answer "Fantastic."

I've written on here before about how I'm terrified every time I step on the ice: here and here. My coaches both know that the only reason why I'll even try a new jump, spin, or footwork is because I trust them to know if I'm physically ready to do it, even if I doubt myself.

Usually, I end up loving whatever scared me in the first place. Backward twizzles, jumping, spins with weird arm and leg positions... they're some of my favorite things to do.

I just had to swallow my fear and doubt first.

Now, don't laugh when you watch these videos. Remember, I'm a skater who started as an adult, not an Olympian. I'm not afraid to put myself out there because I'm proud that I challenge myself every day!

My last video lesson was this summer, when I was testing out a new dress (actually, Isabelle's TMI dress from Hot Topic. Hello, awesome skating dress.) The longer part of the skirt had a mind of its own and was like skating with an extra limb, throwing off my jumps and spins. But the work I had to put in to adjust was so worth it:

A scratch spin this past summer

Scratch spins take so much concentration. Arm position, leg position, shoulders. It's so easy to throw myself off, but it's such a rush when the spin perfectly centered and the blood starts rushing from my fingertips as I pick up speed.

From my video lesson in January, right before getting new boots and blades:

A scratch spin, January 2013

(To be fair to myself, these two spins were taken at the end of my lesson, when exhaustion slows me down. Still...)

I love the following video because it really captures a typical moment from my lessons. My jumps actually weren't bad at all, but they weren't perfect. Looking at the video now, I have to laugh over the look on my face as my coach sends me around for a second combo, or at the end of the video, when I gesture-complain about my arm position. Sometimes my perspective is off--I'll think I did something really wrong when, in reality, Coach is happy with my progress:

Waltz-loop jump, January 2013

 

(me to Coach2 after doing some pretty high and technically clean salchows today: "I've been doing this weird leg-bending thing on my jumps." Coach2: "You landed, right?" Me: "Yes." Coach2: "Then they were fine.")

 

Fear is healthy. Self-criticism is healthy. But it's easy to forget how much progress you've made when you wrap yourself up in that self-criticism, and it's way too easy to hold yourself back when fear is running through your veins.

 

It's still a constant learning experience. But if I didn't trust my coaches and myself, I'd still be paddling around the ice, never knowing what it feels like to fly.

 

My challenge to you: Trust yourself. You deserve to fly.

"If Your Dreams Do Not Scare You...

...then they are not big enough." -Ellen Johnson Sirleaf

Jet lag kicked my butt this year. I've been flying since I was a baby, but I've never had this bad a time readjusting, even when I came back from India. It took me an entire week to get over the worst of the jet lag and I still felt exhausted this week. Then, I came down with a bad head cold and it alllllll made sense.

I've been in a fog, barely reading, writing in bits in all those extra morning hours. Good bits, but nothing close to my usual wordcount.

Look! The view from on the castle walls of Montemor-O-Velho!
Don't look at my awful bloggy timeline *distraction*

Maybe coming back from vacation to a week filled with 12hr workdays didn't help. And the fact that my usual writing time during lunch at the office kept getting interrupted by work lunch-meetings or coworkers who needed my help.

Or, maybe, just maybe--jet lag and head cold and coworkers and random exhaustion excluded--I'm coming up with excuses. Because, like jet lag, Summer Story (aka working title Evenfall) is kicking my butt.

Maybe it's a little hard and a little scary. Maybe when I sit down to work on it, there are times when the scene comes so easy that the words just flow off my fingers, but other times I sit and stare and question why I'm putting myself through writing a story that is probably not-so-marketable because, well... I put the query into critique workshop, so you'll see what I mean soon enough.

Maybe it's putting my own life through the wringer as I dive in, research, and put myself in my main character's shoes. Maybe I'm scared that I have a concept that could be amazing if done right, but I'll never be good enough to write it. Bookishly scared me at times. Dramatically, too. But this? A million times more.

What do you do when what you are writing is hard enough that it scares the writing right out of you?